No matter where you are, whether sunbathing in Lee gian, drinking endless coffee cups in Bra-Wah or Sanoer, shredding in Kangoo or aligning your chakras in Hugh bud, yours is by far the most meaningful journey in the island of gods... Forget you're on holidays and act like a local, a white local, we surely know best...
GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE. To ensure a long lasting series of disappointing experiences not nearly as cool as the ones your friend’s instagramed last Easter or the photos you've pinned on your dream holiday board. Real life can't beat Facebook’s timeline and everybody knows that, fact.
HASHTAG EVERYTHING. The ONLY way to build lasting memories of a trip, of the really important stuff, ya’ know? Like that unique #moment when you were in the middle of the #ricefields in that tiny little #warung with a 87yo #young #woman who has seen the rise and fall of the #islandofgods and you looked down and #lol at your #balikopi cause you realized you thought it was a #tbt but it was a #tgif instead, gosh!
Join BALI'S FACEBOOK COMMUNITY PAGES, by far the best way known to humanity to "immerse" yourself in any environment, I mean how else would you know how to have fun in the island or find out about a place to eat traditional Russian pancakes in Indonesia? Forget about nasi goreng or any other local food, or even talking to people... they don’t really know the good stuff...
EXPECT THE WEST IN THE EAST. It doesn't matter you've travelled for hours to another country with a completely different culture. Your white lower middle class suburb standards should be respected above any other culture including this country's own no matter what, specially all those unhealthy habits you've ran away from...
DON'T WASTE TIME IN THE BUSH. We know, Bali is one of 18,000 islands forming the fourth biggest country in the planet with the largest population of Muslims and a cultural wealth of thousands of years, but nothing compares to sun setting your liver off in KU DE TA, Potato Head or Old Man’s.
MISPRONOUNCE WORDS. Who cares if anyone gets offended? It's their fault for not making their language tourist-friendly, god knows respect for other cultures stops at the VOA counter in the Den-pah-zar airport.
COMPLAIN... This will get you far up in the local social circles. I'm sure you will have no difficulty finding something between the gorgeous rice fields, the over kind locals, the perfect weather and the trilingual waitresses surely they could have thought of a better way to mix your margarita, right?
DRINK. Not for hydration purposes, but in a chav holidaying in Ibiza kind of way... The best way to ensure you sleep and rest it out throughout your eight hours flight back and annoy everyone on the way, plus it's slightly cheaper than back home... Totally worth it!
PLEASE OH PLEASE READ EVERY BLOG, POST AND ARTICLE ABOUT BALI. We “heart” writing witty pieces of our exciting/hipster/off-the-grid-lifestyle in our glossy local magazines. And in case you haven’t noticed, self reference is one of our best assets, so when you non-local people pay attention, it makes it almost as real as Monopoly money... Journalism at its best!
LEARN THE LANGUAGE. No we're not talking about Indonesian, by all means. The longer you are in Bali without speaking Indonesian the better, ask any expat! We mean our language where legend is synonym for person -any person, unreal is our way to say 'that happened' and one drink could be anything between three beers to a four days bender. Words like soul depend on its prefix; old soul is commonly used to define slightly under aged hot females that date older males whilst young soul defines the latter as well as immature people with issues facing basic responsibilities... Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it, x
RISK HUMAN LIVES DRIVE A MOTORBIKE. Preferably a Scoopy. Despite the ludicrously cheap driver offer available, risking lives is a popular sport in the island of Gods. And when in Rome... why not joining the army of ill skilled slightly overweight Caucasian hung over first timers -oh well, second timers trying to get back to the villa in Kero Bow Khan from their surf in Ulu 's? And maybe provoke some sort of accident to spice up your trip? Balinese family on a bike 600 points or 1,500 if you are not insured.
SHOW YOUR CULTURE. And I don't mean saying please and thank you, more like offending trilingual waitresses on a USD 100 monthly salary with a 50 cents tip. God forbid you from "over tipping" in Bali or paying reasonable and fair wages to your staff, the whole (white) economy is based on a well-known model called greed. Don't. Mess. It. Up.
START A BUSINESS. Why not? Surely the place could do with one more leech sucking up its resources and abusing its population. There is always a niche in the need of your inexistent skills and your poor talents. Plus your phone has a camera... Photo shoot!
SMOKE. Forget about health and all that rubbish, it's cheap! Just like with inmates, cigarettes are used for protection when socializing with other gangs, ahem, cultures. If some pregnant chick with a cough asks you to put it away quote the second amendment and tell them to bolt... how dares she to question your freedom of choice? Just watch out for the Mexicans.
TELL YOUR STORY. Remember it is not a lie just because it isn't true. Every inmate has the right to erase their past and rewrite their story... And if you find it difficult to make up your new island self just stay quiet, you will find everyone likes to tell you all they've done and how now nobody really works but enjoy life... aren't we just divine?
LOOK GOOD. One rule everyone respects in this island is we don't accept the ugly kind. It is not ill intended or ignoble, it’s just a reality and a life choice. You can be the cruelest, nastiest lacking in kindness perv that ever set foot on the face of the earth but if you're good looking, we can overlook the aforementioned plethora of unimportant human values and welcome you to our circles... A great addition to boost our instagram following #balibabes
EXPRESS YOURSELF. Especially in a public form, start your own blog about coffee places and bali lifestyle, God knows this place needs more of those. Or better yet, find an empty wall and splash it with some "street art" in a language nobody understands except from nesting dolls and represents nothing relevant to the community that looks at it... your oh-so-sought 15 minutes of fame in a can!
MINGLE. You might have to readjust a little, all in the sake of peer validation and acceptance. Like in jail different cliques offer different benefits. Surfers will get your back in the water and shoot you a brew down the watering hole, yogis will open your third eye and show you the perks of commuting to Hugh Bud and drinking your own pee, designers can give you a discount valid only at their two seasons old sale rack, restaurants will make you feel like a million rupiah and buy you one coffee and photographers will take beautiful photos of you... naked of course, everybody knows nipple sight is a fashion standard, so strip down!
MOVE IN! It doesn't matter you've only been here for six days and spent ten of those drunk, it was meant.to.be, this is YOUR island and all your new bestest friends evah need you here! Come and help the economy by hiring drivers, gardeners, cooks and a pemban -two or three... Your own Downton Bali for a pence is one Visa guy away!